My personal life in review

January 21, 2015 by Christoff Truter Personal   Love and War   This post is closed for comments.

While reviewing some of my old content, I stumbled upon a post that proved immensely difficult to read, so so much has changed and gone wrong since I first felt those feelings I expressed. I felt a very strong urge to just delete it and put everything behind me, but it got me thinking.

I don't generally wear my heart (nor any other organ for that matter) on my sleeve. I also don't presume that I've got anything of real intrinsic value that I can share with anyone when it comes to the subject of the heart. I am merely a character in a story that's been told before, a story of a love lost, one of broken promises and lost dreams.

I met the woman of my dreams back in 2005, she quickly managed to occupy every corner of my mind and near the end of 2007 we got married in a stunning wedding. This was my happily ever after; I never took her for granted, loved her with all of my heart - lived to make her happy and to see her smile.

I envisioned raising gorgeous little genius children with her while growing ancient together - sharing a pair of false teeth and changing each other's adult diapers, walk to the shops to buy new oxygen if she ran out.

I would follow her to hell and back, be there for her no matter what, she was my soulmate, my partner for life, she was the one.

But over the last decade through on-going introspection, I was forced to rethink and re-evaluate the way I view the world and my place in it. I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of lessons, but nothing prepared me for the harshness of the lesson I was about to learn.

You can give your everything, never miss a deadline, be the best you can possibly be, but still loose everything, nothing is promised. Its only the swords of dead kings, found in fairy tales and legends, that are set in stone.

When my wife left me in 2013, I was shattered, my whole life fell apart in an instance - how could I have been so wrong, about so many things? Messed around, lied to, my marriage reduced to nothing but ink not worth the paper it was printed on.

I am a one woman kind of guy, divorce was a foreign concept to me, I grew up in a family brimming with successful marriages, but yet, here I am, barely in my thirties and I already lost the person dearest to me. How could this happen? This is not what I signed up for, this is not what was promised.

Now you can get all mystical about the subject and act all apologetic for the institution of marriage, come up with all kinds of excuses and clever cliches. It is the times we live in, you got married too young, she was not actually the one, even assign predestination and invoke fate, perhaps declare there is a grand design involved, but the end of the day we have to stare the cold hard facts in the eyes.

The one simply does not actually exist; There are most probably multiple compatible potential partners out there for you, this is something I have to believe, given the new evidence.

You might think I am bitter and how do I dare to assume that simply because I chose the wrong partner that the one does not actually exist? But lets try to be realistic about the subject, putting aside the extremely high divorce rate around the world and putting aside the obvious mathematical odds that someone like this even exists and just happens to be sitting right next to you.

I do however believe that there is practicality behind the construct of the one, used in the correct context that is. When you finally managed to find a partner compatible with you, someone you can grow old with, the construct of the one becomes a promise, a commitment, failing in this one might end up suffering from destination addiction.

Beware of Destination Addiction - a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

Sadly enough all of this is something we don't really have any control over, it all unfortunately boils down to taking a leap of faith. You can assess someone with the best data at hand, have everyone agree with you, have all the promises in the world made to you, but people are fickle - they can and do still change...

Does it hurt? Yes it does. She left a deafening silence in my heart.

Where do I go to from here? No idea...

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her