Be the best stalker you can be

December 13, 2011 by Christoff Truter Comedy  

I recently retired from an illustrious career in stalking and decided today that I need to pass down my incredible knowledge to aspiring stalkers.

I know it's a bit of a cliché but you're never too young or old to become a stalker.

The following list contains some crucial information you need to know if you want an impeccable career like I had.

1. Stalkers Anthem
   
   The first thing that you need to know as stalker is of course the stalkers anthem, but what is the importance of an anthem?
   
   Well, think about the scene in Rocky 1 where Sylvester Stallone runs up the stairs with eye of the tiger playing in the background, its all about being inspired, being proud of who you are and what you're about to do.
   
   So every day before you go out to stalk your stalkee, remember to play the stalkers anthem "Every Breath You Take", thank you Sting - You're an inspiration to all of us!
   
   Every breath you take
   Every move you make
   Every bond you break
   Every step you take
   I'll be watching you
   
   Every single day
   Every word you say
   Every game you play
   Every night you stay
   I'll be watching you
   
   Oh can't you see
   You belong to me
   How my poor heart aches
   With every step you take
   
   
2. Build a shrine
   
   
   
   Building a shrine in honour of your stalkee is quite important, I am sure you're familiar with the phrase "keep your eyes on the prize" - at the end of the day that's what its all about.
   
   One crucial component to your shrine is of course the use of photos, you need to have as many photos as humanly possible of your stalkee, it would also be highly advisable to pin these photos against a wall, preferably a wall that's not too visible to everyone, e.g. inside a cupboard wall - because you don't want anyone to think you're creepy or anything.
   
   Also avoid the use of candles in your shrine, you're a stalker not a serial killer! (you also don't want to burn down your cupboard in the process)
   
   
3. Equipment
   
   
   
   Ever wonder what bird watching equipment is really for?
   
   No stalker can truly be successful without a good pair of binoculars, get yourself the strongest pair money can buy, acquire a really big telescope if that's not good enough. (bird watching is a good cover story though)
   
   Night vision is also a must have, your stalkee must go to bed eventually like everyone else?
   
   Also get yourself a strong listening device and become skilled at lock picking in order to plant audio surveillance equipment in their phones, cars etc.
   
   While on the subject of breaking an entering, why not hide a few high resolution cameras in some discreet areas of their habitat and remember to leave a red rose on their pillow every night before they go to bed.
   
   
4. Social Networking
   
   The advent of social networking really made stalking a lot easier, Facebook, Google plus, twitter just to name a few.
   
   I found that twitter is only second to Google plus when it comes to being stalker friendly, while Facebook makes it a little bit harder, but with some creative swindling it might become your most powerful stalking ally.
   
   Now the key to using social networking as a stalking tool is of course the use of aliases, you will most definitely need to create multiple aliases - doing so will make it less suspicious.
   
   You might ask me how many aliases do you need to be effective, is there some kind of formula I can use?
   
   Well, I found after doing years of research that there is in fact a relation between your followers on twitter, Facebook and Google plus and the number of aliases you need, simply multiply by two.
   
   
5. Clothing
   
   
   
   Avoid wearing clothing that would draw too much attention to yourself; as stalker you must be stealth minded towards everything wardrobe related.
   
   Night times you're ordinarily going to spend most of your time in obscurity up in trees and behind bushes, so make sure that you've got a lot of black clothing in your cupboard (also useful for hiding your shrine).
   
   
6. Join the CIA
   
   
   
   Chances are fairly good that your stalkee will be surrounded by friends, family, a spouse or someone, now in the event of them noticing you, you might need to defend yourself physically (or legally).
   
   So I would definitely recommended that you go for self-defence classes, a quick solution would be to simply join the CIA - you'll get all the training you need to be an effective stalker plus a good cover story. You would also save a lot of money on equipment etc.
   
   
7. Scheduling
   
   If you've been paying attention you will realise that stalking is a rather expensive, time consuming endeavour.
   
   You might ask, where will I find the time and money to do all of this? (unless you've already managed to join the CIA)
   
   Well, with your initial investment of time and money you will be able to gather an immense amount of invaluable information about the comings and goings of your stalkee.
   
   Remember that your life is nothing more than an extension of the person you're stalking and you wont ever be complete if you cant smell their hair, so you need to schedule and mould your whole life around this person.
   
   Ideally you must pursue the same career or work in the same office building as your stalkee, doing so will greatly simplify everything.
   
   
8. Golden rules
   
   1. Never make eye contact
   2. Maintain your distance
   3. Know the law (what is a restraining order?)
   4. Never befriend your stalkee
   
   
   

Remember boys and girls, no is only a few letters away from yes.

Happy stalking!